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instructions for the week archives

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i didn't.




these are important instructions which we should all heed.


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it's always nice to have a project to work on. so how about this. let me know how you get on.

"find your niche and do something sensational"


i just received the following from my friend elton:

just a note to say, if you put a convex mirror in the corner of your lounge, you can get the reality T.V. experience without electricity or licence fee!(you can have an argument with yourself, whilst you drink tea, and look around the room at the same time!) love to all.

P.S. the mirror could be used for games if you can think of any!


have you noticed the trend for spam to include random nouns ? i just got one with the subject line which includes "exorcist fireproof buttercup lacquer"

but what use those random nouns ? it seems a shame to delete all those spams when they've obviously been sent especially to my email account by someone who genuinely thinks i want to buy their product (i don't, but the spammer doesn't know that).

So, i propose that you print them out and use them for your name game of spam charades.

we'll need to work on this idea together a bit more.

for starters, what is the indicator which the performer has to do to indicate that the thing they are miming is a Spam ? If you can describe it, i'll try miming it and take a photo to add to this entry (which is currently photoless)


(thanks to wavingatmyself)

why not invent a new device and call it an underscope ?

here's something you can do in your lunch breaks. tie a pair of your favourite shoes together and throw them over an electricity wire. i imagine it's very satifactory when you get them to stay up there.

probably best to use your own shoes for this.


not sure what to do with your old christmas cards ? how about cutting the pictures out and sticking them on to the end of a stick so you can terrorise your colleagues ?


there's a small difference between a sign and a sigh. the difference is the length of stick on the letter n/h.

therefore, this week, i recommend you swap the two words wherever possible

refocused your vision and mission statements.

whilst you are at it, how about creating a portmanteau to describe your activities ? (i prefer the first definition)

another quality funkyblogcake idea.

i love subbies on the telly. ceefax/teletext page 888. i was concerned they might not be there when we went digital but i needn't have worried.

my favourite thing of all is watching top of the pops with subtitles so i can learn the words to the hip songs that the kids are singing.

i've discovered another nice idea this evening after a pleasant drink of Honey Dew. i was playing The Beta Band very loudly whilst watching Who Wants To Be A Milli on the telly. WWTBAM is annoying to watch usually (in my opinion) but without the sound and the subbies on it's much better. The whole experience was quite pleasant.

as we approach the weekend, i advise you to be generous.

yesterday i overheard a man on the train say to his friend "i'm not shy about spending a bob or two". hoorah for the nouveau rich i thought to myself.

what if you can't afford to be generous financially ? well, why not start by filling everything up to the brim ?

(this was the 1000th funkypancake blog entry by the way !)

greet each other with sounds of an animal. chickens, cows, sheep and frogs are a favourite. it's an international language we can all speak.

and why not point to their shoes at the same time for added effect (optional)

this week ... finesse everything

'spleening' is a non obvious mispelling of the word 'spelling'.

however, my recommendation for the weekend is to add the letter 'w' after 's' if the word begins with an 's' followed by a vowel (doesn't apply to words beginning with an 's' which don't have a second letter as a vowel).

a couple of examples:

* my mother just swent me an email swaying how much fun she's having.
* swomeday this will all make swense
* sweaty swedes swim swomewhere

if you can involve a squelchy mouth noise whilst speaking the 'sw' bit then that would be ideal. image in cross between a cough and a sniff and you are halfway there.

update: my colleagues swara and swally aren't very impressed with this cunning plan. oops

why not design a little button to stick on things and mark it 'turbo'.

it sure will make things look high tech and 'modern'.

why not send me a few pictures of how you got on ?

as we were about to enter my grandma's house jane started giggling uncontrollably. i asked here what was up and she said we should pretend that we don't speak english when we arrive.

i thought this was a fantastic idea, but i wasn't sure if my rellies would think so, so we didn't do it.

but this week, especially at work, pretend you no longer speak or understand english and see how you get on.

this post from dragoon reminded me that one of the exercises to get the choir to sing a particularly difficult phrase well was to sing it "on the vowels'.

this entailed ignoring the consonants and just making the funny vowel sounds. i was amusing to watch people's faces whilst they did this.

i recommend you try it on a few sentence.

e e o o ou e o (let me know how you get on)

i've just had an email from a chap called jaime, which is of course french for "i love".

just for today, change your name to ILove. You could spell it ILv if you like.

see how you get on.

refer to people as 'kid' when you talk to them. this works especially well if they are older or more senior than you. here are some hand picked examples:

"did you get my email kid ?"
"can i take next week off as leave please kid"
"your false teeth have just fallen out kid"
"no kidding, pick up your kid's kid kid "

(this last one is ideal if you are trying to convince your friend that you actually do want them to carry your daughter's young goat).

on the way home tonight shout "macaroon macaroon macaroon" three times everytime you see a bald man.

if you are at home, turn the telly on, open the window and play the same game, shouting out the window every time you see a bald man.

if anyone presents you with a macaroon biscuit as a result of your proclamations, don't trust them.

The key is consistency. Let consistency unlock the door

develop your own "departure message". don't just say "goodbye". craft a neat sentence and use it always. make it your hallmark.

Here are a few examples to get you started:

* Be seeing you
* All the very best
* Toodle pip
* Missing you already

Find one that fits and wear it out some. Let me know what you come up with.

... concentrate on the sausage and not the sizzle

keep an ordered note of all typologies. be sure to categorise them appropriately.

currently, it is acknowledged, we are experience extreme weather conditions. in the uk (and loads of other places) it's really hot. every one has some advice to give about how best to stay cool / act sensibly in hot weather.

My advice is simply this: protect your chocolate.

Treat your chocolate right and you'll have no problems in this weather. Dare to expose it to temperature fluctuations and you may suffer from Sugar or Fat Bloom. No one wants that.


don't be baboozled by tautologies

don't say dot say dog.
as in funkypancake dog com

Process everything today.

for example, don't say "I am going to eat an apple"

instead say "I am going to consume an apple using The Eating Process"

[i have entered this text using The Typing Process]

avoid all dubious lacunae

sign and sing contain the same letters yet are different words. the same applies to fires and fries.

try and use alternative words today and see what happens

surely there are higher forces at work around here

shirley their hair fire farces hat worse abound there

filage is a combination of filing and silage - it occures when you get filing overload and your paper turns in to a festering pile

spice up your filage by storing paper in random locations (other non related files, in plant pots, under you shirt etc).

When you next go searching for a fileyou will not find it, but you will find a load of other stuff. this other stuff will stimulate your mind and provide a creative input towards solving.

Expand this system to all non-perishable items and non-family members

"work backwards" today
interpret this how you will:

you may physically sit looking in the wrong direction in meetings
you may wish to type occasional words backwards in reports and letters
you may wish to unconclude previously concluded conclusions

now is your chance. live the dream

switch off your monitor on your computer. send 4 emails. switch the monitor back on and see what you sent (and to whom)

be the first to write a slightly surreal book about tea bags

my advice for life is to keep in touch with youth.
if you can't stay young yourself then simply hang out with young people and avoid looking in the mirror. delusion is rarely an illusion.
here is a photo of the receptionists. they made me take the photo. hoorah for friday afternoons

avoid using the word spatula

they say that in an earthquake you should stand in a doorway.
here is a house which has fallen down and only the doorway arch remains.
certainly if you house is bulldosed then it appears the doorway concept works
interestingly, this house was at the centre of the Cat Conspiracy which i shall write about soon (ish)

this week, develop your own taxonomies. document them meticulously

rxplxcx vxwxls wxth thx lxttxr x xn xll xffxcxxl cxrrxspxndxncx

accept that your computer/pda/mobile phone knows how to spell better than you do. this is especially important for peoples names. computers know what you are thinking. understand this and you are halfway there.

always accept any spelling correction offered by your word processor / email package / writing recogniser. always use the first word offered.

tap in to your computer consciousness. just go with the flow and enjoy the ride.

stand firm against any form of dragooning.

place a 10 pence coin (or equivalent in local currency) on your head. balance it there all day. keep it there until you forget about it. (purest will resist, but it is permissable to use adhesive).

repeat daily until mastered.

once mastered add another 10 pence coin. again, repeat until mastered.

and so on. until the coins reach 1 metre high (or 99.90 - keep below 100 for insurance reasons).

let me know how you get on.

[an interesting twist on this game is to use only coins which have been found lying in the street - this way the values, sizes and days when additional coins must be added is an additional variable to consider]

(based on an idea from the Fluxus movement)

be applauded for using your gumption at least twice this week

try to act "superfluously" every other hour.

everything is total nonsense. discuss

here is a good word. try to use it as often as possible this week:


let me know how you get on.